


Could You Be Loved

by NoheaAloha



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Dyslexia, Friendship, Gen, It goes as well as it can, JJ has a wonderful grandma though, JJ's mom is a warning on her own, Learning Disabilities, Luke Maybank's A+ Parenting, Marijuana, Physical Abuse, Pogues (Outer Banks), Pope Tutors JJ, Pre-Canon, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:20:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26004814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoheaAloha/pseuds/NoheaAloha
Summary: JJ is just trying to survive seventh grade, but between getting diagnosed with Dyslexia, being tutored by Pope and getting caught by the police, it's shaping up to be a crazy year. Luckily for him, he's pretty used to craziness by now.
Comments: 19
Kudos: 103





	1. Chapter 1

“Thanks so much for coming in, Mr. Maybank. We know it’s hard to leave work at such short notice” Mrs. Walker, Kildare Middle School’s guidance counselor said as she closed the door to her office.

JJ was sitting in a chair across from her big desk and his dad had stumbled in angrily a minute before and dropped in the chair next to him, already glaring at the side of his head. JJ didn’t look up from his hands in his lap. 

“What did he do?” Luke asks in his gruff voice. JJ is tapping his leg anxiously against the carpeted floor and locks his gaze on the jar of Starbursts Mrs. Walker has on her desk. He tries to count how many red ones he can see. Normally, he liked coming in and seeing Mrs. Walker. He and John B. would come in and bother her about girls and other issues, eating her Starbursts while she laughed at their stories. She was one of the few adults they liked at their middle school. But when she called him down to the office at the end of the day right before the bell rang and told him his dad was coming in so they could discuss some concerns, he had a feeling she was about to lose his place as his favorite adult in the school. 

JJ hears the door open and sees the vice principal slip in and take a seat near Mrs. Walker. It must be really bad if both him and Mrs. Walker are here. He bites the inside of his cheek and twists his hands together as he thinks about how his dad will react when they are alone. 

“Oh no, I’m sorry if it sounded like he did anything over the phone! JJ has been behaving well, he is such a sweet and charismatic young man. We just called because a few of his teachers are concerned about a few things and since you hadn’t had time to answer our other calls, we decided to try for a Friday at the end of the school day to see if that was better. Thank you for coming.” Mrs. Walker said as she sat down across from JJ and Luke in her big chair. 

His dad raised his eyebrows at her and waited for her to continue. JJ thought he had heard his dad snort under his breath when she had described him as sweet. 

Mrs. Walker seemed to be waiting for Luke to comment, but when he stayed silent, she smiled at them and continued. “JJ’s English teacher is concerned about his reading and writing abilities. She says that she wanted to give him some time to get into the rhythm of seventh grade, but she thinks that it has become clear that he is significantly behind on both skills. She spoke to me and one of our special educators yesterday and we all agreed that he may benefit from an evaluation from our psychologist here so that we could begin working on an IEP for him if there is a reading disability present.”

“Psychologist?” his dad asks. JJ taps his leg faster when he hears his dad’s tone change. His dad sounds less annoyed and more confused, which usually results in anger.

Mrs. Walker smiles again and explains more about the process to his dad. JJ floats in and out of paying attention as he gets more and more nervous about how Luke will react. He hears Mrs. Walker saying words like “dyslexia” and “ADHD” and he can see his dad sitting up in his seat from the corner of his eye. He tries to think about his weekend plans on the HMS Pogue for the weekend with John B, Pope and Kie to distract him but it doesn’t work.

“He’s been in school for how many years and y’all are just now realizing that you think he's stupid?” Luke finally says, cutting her off. “What have you been doing for all these years?” Mrs. Walker stops, looking shocked.

“Mr. Maybank, firstly, JJ is not stupid-”

“You call me in here, make me leave my job, for me to sit here and be told that my fucking son still can’t read. What other word is there for that? How old are you boy? What’s wrong with you? You can’t fucking read? I had to go into the other school years ago for this same conversation. And quit fucking moving.” He turned fully to JJ and snapped at him. JJ immediately forced his legs and hands to stop moving and looked at his dad before quickly looking back at his hands. 

“We think JJ has Dyslexia, it’s very common and it certainly does not mean he is stupid by any means. There is nothing wrong with JJ. Reading disabilities are often not noticed and can slip through the cracks in elementary school. We know from JJ’s records that the idea of testing was brought up in elementary school but there was no parental agreement. I know you are upset, but please try to watch your language while in our school.” Mrs. Walker looks upset, but when JJ looks at her, he can see that she is angry too. 

“I’m ready to leave your school, unless there is a point to this?” Luke says, sitting back in his chair. JJ’s knee started to bounce again when he heard his dad’s tone change. He now had the amused, condescending tone he used when he was mocking someone and it never meant anything good.

Mrs. Walker continued, “There is a point. We need your permission to officially evaluate JJ for Dyslexia or any other learning disabilities and ADHD. We need you to sign these consent forms and then we were hoping to talk about any concerns you had and next steps.” She looked at the vice principal for support.

The vice principal, Mr. Lewis, took over. He was a middle aged man, who JJ had only interacted with when being yelled at for running in the hallway or skipping class with John B. to go surfing. 

“Mr. Maybank, why don’t we start with you signing these forms and then you are free to go unless you want to discuss this more. If our special education department does make an IEP for JJ, we will inform you during the first steps and we can discuss all of this in further detail then.” He seemed to sense the need to get him out of the school as quickly as possible for everyone’s sake. He put the papers down with a pen, facing Luke and showed him where to sign. 

Luke signed them quickly and stood up. Mrs. Walker looked frustrated and opened her mouth to say more to him, but seemed to rethink it and turned to JJ. She put a fake smile on her face and said “Here, JJ, take some red Starbursts before you go. I know how much you and John B. love them!”. 

JJ froze as he was making his way to stand up and follow his dad, who had made it to the door to the office and ripped it open. His dad glared at him and he knew not to waste anymore time.

“That’s ok, ma’am.” he said and followed his dad out of the office. He saw that Mrs. Walker looked surprised at being called "ma'am" by JJ, who usually was all smiles and jokes when he came and visited with John B. It was different when his dad was nearby.

Once on the sidewalk, JJ walked next to his dad with his hands in his pockets, his backpack on his back. His dad was already ranting about what had happened. JJ thought longingly about the weed he had stashed in his room at home. He needed to calm his nerves down and slow down his racing thoughts. He needed to be away from his no doubt very angry dad. 

“You still ain’t learned to read yet? Shit, I didn’t like school either but I wasn’t fuckin stupid. No wonder you're always smoking weed. I would too if I was too stupid to read at your age. That’s fucking embarrassing.” Luke was mad but he also seemed amused as he let out a mean laugh. 

“What does that sign say? Can you read that?” He pointed to the stop sign on the corner of the bus loop. He didn’t wait for an answer before laughing again. “Damn, you must have gotten that from your mama. Special ed! That’s a new kind of stupid.” 

JJ tensed even more at the mention of his mom. It always meant things were going to be ten times worse if Luke brought her into the conversation. At the same time, JJ only ever got information about her when Luke brought her up first, so he stupidly couldn’t resist asking. “My mom was in special ed?”

His dad looked at him like he was crazy. “I don’t fucking know. Probably. Get in the car.” He pointed towards the car and went to the driver’s side. JJ tentatively opened the door and slid in, putting his backpack next to him as a sort of shield between him and his dad. Luke had been known to get rough with him in the car when he was angry. 

His dad laughed again. He was holding the keys and hadn’t put them in the ignition yet. JJ looked at him and he looked back. Luke smirked at him. 

“You wanna know if your mom was in special ed? Here. Call her.” JJ looked at his dad and opened his mouth to answer but didn’t know what to say. Luke moved his hand and he reflexively pushed himself closer towards the door of the car but his dad just reached into his pocket and pulled out his flip phone. 

“Here. Call your mama if you want to know so badly. Ask her where she is and when she’s comin to get you. Ask her why you can’t read. See what she says. I know you’re wonderin’ all of that.” His dad shoved the phone at him and JJ just looked at it before saying “I don’t know what her number is”.

His dad smiled a mean smile and said “I know you don’t. And why do you think that is? Huh? Why don’t you know your own mama’s number? I bet all the other kid’s know their mama’s numbers.”

JJ felt his stomach twist anxiously and he could feel his heart beating faster in his chest. He wondered if his dad could hear it. He was still looking at him with that mean smile and he had raised his eyebrows which meant he wanted an answer. He didn’t know what his dad wanted to hear but he also realized why he didn’t know his mom’s number when all his friends did.

His mom doesn’t want to be bothered. By him. He hasn’t seen her in three years. Hasn’t spoken to her on the phone in two years. 

He stayed silent, not sure what answer would make his dad happy.

“You don’t have her number because she doesn’t want you. She doesn’t want you to call her and she doesn’t want to be your mom. So stop asking about her. Do you understand?” his dad asked.

JJ couldn’t help it, he felt a lump in his throat and could tell he was going to cry. He tried to hold the tears in and nodded once at his dad. He knew it was true but in his head he liked to pretend and imagine that she was going to come back for him and take him with her. He knew she went on fun adventures. She told him all about Florida last time she called him two years ago. She had laughed when he asked if he could come and just said she wasn’t ready to be his mommy full time. His dad stared at him for a few more seconds and he looked at his lap. Satisfied that he had visibly upset JJ, his dad put the keys in the car and turned it on, backing out of the school parking lot. 

“You know my number, right? Or you too worthless to remember it?” Luke glanced over at JJ as he drove. JJ nodded. “Yeah Dad”. 

“And why do you know my number? Because I’m the only parent you have. And if you don’t fix your shit and stop making me get called to your school, I’m out too. I’ll be going to fucking Florida too. You understand me? I ain’t sticking around for a kid that can’t even read at the age of twelve. Learn how to read, stop moving around so much and don’t have your school call me again. I don’t care what you do at school, as long as they don’t fucking call me out of work. You hear me?”

JJ felt mixed emotions at that. His dad threatened to leave him a lot and it made him anxious, usually after claiming his mom was the lucky one because she got out of dealing with him, but he also felt a sense of relief at the idea of his dad leaving. Sure, they had good times together when Luke was in a good mood. But it would be a lot more relaxing to just live with John B. and Big John and pretend that’s how it had always been. That they were real brothers. 

“Ok Dad.”

They drove home without talking the rest of the way, but his dad stopped in the parking lot of the liquor store on the way back and got out. JJ didn’t have to turn and check to know that his dad’s drug dealer's car was in the parking lot too. 

More than once his dad had made him hand over his money he received from the Kooks for mowing lawns or a project they worked on together so he could pay for his pills and his coke, even when he had his own money. He liked to convince JJ that he owed him money for everything he did over the years. 

When he heard the car door open ten minutes later, JJ quickly wiped the few tears that had fallen when he was alone. He had been thinking about his mom and how she really didn’t want him and wasn’t coming back. He tried not to, he tried to think about seeing the Pogues and exploring this weekend, but he couldn’t help it. He had been called stupid, probably had a disability and had been reminded that neither of his parents wanted him. 

Luke was holding a small paper bag of what JJ knew contained a hidden baggie of coke and a twelve pack of beer. Luke stopped midway into his seat to look at him. When he noticed he had been crying, he got in the car, slapped him once, hard across the side of the face and pushed his face against the window. 

“Stop fucking crying. Your mama had the right idea leaving you. You better man up, son or I’m about to leave your ass too.”

JJ hadn’t seen the slap coming since he was wiping his eyes. He stopped his tears real fast and his dad laughed once, another mean laugh and drove them home, muttering under his breath words like “worthless” and “pathetic”. When they got home, JJ was expecting his dad to go off, but surprisingly, he just got out of the car and went inside without saying more than “get inside”. 

JJ goes inside nervously and slowly, and makes his way to his room. He’s afraid that his dad is tricking him and will change his mind and make JJ come out for some more but his dad had settled down at their table and was pouring out a line of coke, which usually meant JJ was safe. He guesses he’s in a mood to mostly just scare him verbally today. 

He quickly packs his backpack with a change of clothes and his weed he had gotten from his cousin the night before and immediately gets ready to leave to go to John B’s. He listens in his doorway for any sign that his dad was going to remember he existed, but he can already hear him loudly on the phone to his friends from the marina, planning his night. JJ slips out quietly when he sees his dad has his back to him and only lets himself breath normally and feels his heart slow down when he has ridden his bike far enough away from his house that there is no chance of him being caught. 

JJ knows that he is different with his friends and at school then he is with his dad. Pope even brought it up once when he saw them together. JJ doesn’t know how to explain that Pope would be like that too if his dad was unpredictable and always happy to slap him or punch him if he didn’t like his answer or was in a bad mood. Even in the same day, his dad could go from slapping him and mocking him to taking him fishing and letting him have a beer, laughing when he shows off how fast he can chug it.

By the time he has pulled up to The Chateau, JJ has popped some wheelies on his bike and glued his fake smile on his face. John B. yelled out from his place in the front yard and tried to hit him with some water from his water gun he had “borrowed” from a Kook family he did a job for. Pope was on the porch with Kie listening to her play the guitar.

JJ retaliated by riding his bike as close as he could to John B. and turning sharply at the last second, laughing when it sprayed dirt all over his friend. Pope cheered on John B. as he chased him around the yard. 

He might not have a mom that wants him, but he has his friends and that’s all he needs. Even if it does hurt when he’s alone. 

____________________________________________________________________________


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ gets some help from Pope and realizes that he might not be as "stupid" as he thinks he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is much much happier!! JJ reaches out for help and gets some from Pope and there is no Luke in this chapter :). Enjoy it while it lasts!

It had been a few weeks since Luke had been called into Kildare Middle and JJ was over at John B.’s (trying) to catch up on all his school work. John B. had laughed when he pulled out actual textbooks and his beat up binder and told him he was going to do some work and asked if he was joking.

“I don’t want to be held back, bro. Gotta do the bare minimum to at least make it to eighth grade with you guys.” JJ said as he sat down at the table and grabbed the only pencil in the chateau.

John B. had stared at him weirdly for a second before going to rough up his hair and said, “Aw, our little JJ is growing up”, before running outside to work on painting the HMS Pogue his dad had given him a few months ago.

JJ threw his pencil at him as he left, rolling his eyes, as he opened his binder and tried to figure out what to start with. He pulled out a crumpled worksheet from the endless stack of worksheets he had shoved in throughout the semester and wrote his name at the top. His foot was bouncing as he tried to force himself to give it 20 minutes of effort. 

Normally, he would be outside with John B. and couldn’t care less about school work. His dad obviously didn’t care and he had never been told to do homework or had anyone check on it in his life. By the end of elementary school, JJ had decided that he wouldn’t need school anyways since he planned on being a pro surfer and that reading and writing were never going to be his strong suit. But his dad’s words had really stuck with him from a few weeks ago. He didn’t want the school to call and say that he hadn’t been at least turning in some worksheets.

JJ had been tested last week by the psychologist, an uninterested woman who seemed frustrated when JJ didn’t know what to do or asked for her to repeat the directions. And he thought she was supposed to help make people feel better. The special educator was there too and helped clarify the directions and helped explain the tests to JJ with a smile, but he still felt nervous and uncomfortable crammed in the office with them staring at him and asking him to do things. He told John B. after he returned to class that he had felt like he was the frog they had dissected in Science at the end of sixth grade. John B. reminded him that the frog had been dead when they dissected him. JJ said they basically killed him, making him perform for them and poking his brain like that.

He was struggling through reading the directions when Pope walked in through the screened door. JJ expected him to laugh at him like John B. had and headed him off by saying, “I know, I know, take a picture, it will last longer dude.”

Pope smiled but didn’t laugh at him. “John B. said you were trying to catch up and I had to see it for myself. Why are you all of the sudden doing work? Are you sick?” He went over and pretended to check JJ’s temperature before JJ pushed his hand away, laughing.

JJ knew Pope was the smartest of the Pogues, followed by Kie, who was probably just as smart as him but cared less about studying and grades than he did. He hadn’t been in any of JJ or John B.’s classes since elementary school now that they sorted them by ability level. Pope was in all the honors classes and JJ knew his parents made him do his homework and study and things like that. Big John made John B. do work sometimes, if he got a note from school,but mostly “trusted” him to do his work without making it into a big deal. Honestly, JJ knew that Big John didn’t notice a lot of things about John B. because he spent all his time in his office. He would get into moods where he decided to be attentive and make John B. study, but those were getting fewer and far between. That made Pope the automatic genius and nerd of the group.

JJ thought about telling Pope some of what had happened at school. He didn’t think Pope would laugh at him too much, he usually was pretty good at dealing with big situations and acting serious. The opposite of John B. and JJ. He just couldn’t help but feel insecure, something JJ didn’t feel around his friends too often. He didn’t think he could handle being seen as actually legitimately stupid. They joked around and called each other dumb asses but he knew they didn’t actually mean it. JJ was worried that if he told Pope he most likely, probably, definitely had a learning disability and couldn’t even do his low level worksheet, that Pope would realize what his dad had been saying all along; that JJ was stupid.

JJ looked back down at his worksheet and the words blended together and swam around and he realized that he needed help if he was going to get any of his English work done this year. It had gotten to the point where he was so far behind that he felt like he was in a foreign language class when the rest of the class could read the books and have discussions about what they read. 

“No man, I’m not sick. I just need to catch up on my work. The school called my dad in a few weeks ago and said I’m really far behind. I don’t want to be stuck in seventh grade forever, I have better things to do with my life”. JJ said and Pope’s eyebrows scrunched together.

“They called your dad in? Why? It’s October, how can you be that far behind that he would need to be there?” Pope hopped up onto the counter and grabbed JJ’s lighter. He opened and closed it as he waited for him to answer.

“Be careful, Pope. My baby knows if an amateur is handling her”. JJ said as he watched Pope fiddle with it. Pope rolled his eyes and looked at JJ expectantly. 

JJ decided to tell Pope about being tested for a learning disability. It’s not like he can’t read anyways, but it has gotten harder for him as they went into middle school and he no longer had access to the lower elementary school books his reading group would work with. They had stopped learning to read and had started reading to learn and he couldn’t do it. Writing was hard too, since he struggled to comprehend what the question was asking him and then he had trouble forming the letters and spelling the words. 

“It was horrible, Pope. Really horrible. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same, dude. Mrs. Walker was there and Lewis too. They said I might have a learning disability or some shit.” JJ looked at Pope and smirked, acting dramatic to protect himself from any judgement. Under the table, his knee was bouncing uncontrollably and he twisted his hands together in his lap. 

Pope’s eyebrows got even more scrunched together and he looked at JJ harder. JJ raised his eyebrows at him and waved a hand over his face. “Pope? Come in Pope!”

Pope shook his head and smiled at JJ, "A learning disability? That would actually be good to figure out, JJ. Then you would be able to get special work that would fit your ability level and you would get to get special education services and stuff like that. I read about it in-”

JJ cut him off “Pope. Shut up, man. Why would it be good to have a learning disability? It just confirms that I’m stupid, like we all already know.” He tried to sound like he was joking, but by the end some insecurity had crept into his voice. 

“You're not stupid! No, JJ, having a learning disability is really common actually. They think you have dyslexia, I’m guessing? I think that’s the most common reading disability so it must be that. It’s just how your brain processes letters and words is different. It’s really hard to make out the letters and stuff I read but you can learn strategies and get help so it’s easier.”

JJ couldn’t help but feel hope creep in as he listened to Pope. Trust Pope to have read about this at the age of twelve. He knew Mrs. Walker had told his dad that it was normal and that it didn’t make him stupid, but he had been told his whole life that he was dumb and stupid and in the way by his dad. He said it so casually to him, like it was just a fact of life. When he had started school and struggled, he assumed that it was true.

“Really? I mean I always just thought that it was hard for me because I’m dumb and my brain was all messed up.” JJ said, deciding to be honest with Pope. 

“Um, I’m pretty sure that Brandon Summers has it and he’s in my honors English class. It doesn’t mean you’re stupid.” Pope said, smiling at JJ. “Besides, you’re not stupid. You’re one of the smartest people I know. You know all about boats and motors and can do cool tricks. You’re just a dumb ass. Two different things”. JJ threw his pencil at his second friend for the second time today, but he was smiling. 

He wanted to believe what Pope was saying really badly. It’s just hard when he’s been made to believe all of these things about himself and he has struggled with school and homework and projects and tests for so long when his other classmates seemed to have no trouble. Even John B. had no problems reading the chapter books and he had always been in the low reading group with JJ growing up. 

“Do you want some help? I can help you with some of your work a few times a week if you want? Plus that would get me some service hours, so it’s a win win for me.” Pope offered. 

“Aw, you want to be my tutor. Are you sure I’m your type? I always have a sexy tutor in my fantasies. Do nerds even have fantasies?” JJ said, wagging his eyebrows at Pope. Pope threw the pencil back at him and it bounced off his forehead. 

“Shut up. Do you want my help or not? More time to go surfing and help fix up the boat.” Pope said, knowing the way to JJ’s heart and sitting down across from him at the table. 

“Yeah I want the help! I’m not going to turn down the offer for you to do my homework for me.” JJ said as he pushed his messy binder with the crumpled up pile of papers sticking out at Pope.

“Oh hell no. I said help you, not do it for you. Where do we start?” Pope said as he pushed it back at JJ.

___________________________________________________________________________

Thirty minutes later, Pope and JJ had completed the worksheet (which turned out to be about commas and when to use them), and decided they would have to wait on the review questions about The Giver until they could figure out the best way for JJ to read that. Pope thought that he should get the book on tape for JJ and play it when they did grocery deliveries together, but JJ called him a mega nerd and they got into a play cat fight just as John B. ran back in.

“Are you two dorks ready to go? Kie just got here and says the surf is good at Rixon’s Cove. Or do you want us to leave you two with your books and we get all the good waves without you?”

JJ and Pope froze from their cat fight and smirked at each other before diving for John B. After JJ got him in a headlock, he asked “Who are you calling a dork, John B.? You literally auditioned for the school play just to impress Marissa and had to play the part of a light bulb.”

After JJ and John B. had wrestled it out, Pope stayed back with JJ as he put his binder and books back in his raggedy backpack. 

“Was your dad mad? When he had to go to school?” Pope asked JJ, looking at him with his “concerned friend” look. 

JJ froze quickly, thinking about the words his dad had said in the car and the names he had called him. What he had threatened him with. The reminder of his mom. He couldn’t help but swallow hard when he remembered his dad’s threat to leave like his mom if he didn’t do better at school so they wouldn’t call him again. 

He forced a smile on his face and zipped up his backpack, throwing it onto his shoulders. He slapped Pope on his shoulder and said “He’s always mad, Pope. It’s like, his only emotion. Let’s go man! John B. and Kie are already halfway there!”

Pope lingered for a second, worrying about JJ’s comments before following him out of the house, grabbing his board and chasing him down the path.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ gets officially diagnosed and learns some new tricks for living with dyslexia. 
> 
> He and The Pogues night comes to a bad end when they get caught by the police and Luke is not happy (is he ever?).

JJ liked smoking weed. A lot. It made him feel relaxed and he felt like it slowed his thoughts down to what he imagined was everyone else’s level. Without it, he typically felt restless, he had so many thoughts going through his head all day and he had an extremely hard time sitting at a desk at school all day.

Lucky for JJ, he had been diagnosed officially with ADHD and dyslexia in November and not only had been given a new prescription of Ritalin (which he didn’t actually enjoy like his friends joked that he would), but he got to be pulled out of class a few times a week to work with Ms. Meadows. He didn’t really like the activities that they did, but he had to admit she was nice and she never laughed at him when he struggled to read with her and she always let him walk around almost the entire school before they went to her office because she knew he needed it. So that helped with the restlessness at school sometimes.

JJ got a lot of extra time to take tests and quizzes and on projects now. He also got shortened work (he and John B. compared their work the first time it happened and John B. claimed to also have dyslexia. JJ pushed him over and said they only had room for one dyslexic pogue), which seemed easier to others but was still so incredibly hard for JJ to understand. 

Sometimes Ms. Meadows would look over his work and go over it with him, but mostly she worked on reading with him and teaching him some techniques. He was reluctant to actually listen and do work at first, but he had to admit, they did help him and he was able to do some of his work without wanting to stab his eyes out. 

Ms. Meadows taught JJ how to make an organizer for when he read the books they worked on together. She showed him how to draw pictures of what had happened as they read so that when he had to answer comprehension questions, he could look at his pictures and remember. 

Pope was also triumphant when JJ said that Ms. Meadows agreed that at this point, he would have to use an audio book for the chapter books they were assigned in class, since he was reading on a second grade level. He had left out the second grade level part when talking to Pope and also left out that when she told him that, he refused to work with Ms. Meadows for two whole sessions out of humiliation. Ms. Meadows told him it was that or if someone at home was willing to read aloud to him, that was another good option. JJ had laughed at the thought of his dad reading aloud to him. 

So while reading and writing had gotten a little better, Ritalin was his next big problem. Firstly, his dad wanted it too sometimes and had taken some of it from JJ more than once. It took more pills for Luke to even feel anything from it and JJ didn’t even really know what it did to him since he didn’t have a lot of energy anyway, but still, Luke didn’t say no to free pills. The pills made JJ feel weird. It made him lose his appetite (which was fine with Luke, who claimed he ate too much anyway) and sometimes it ruined his high from smoking. Which was not cool at all. He didn’t want to take it, but it did make the school day so much easier to concentrate through and not want to get up and walk out, something that he had been feeling for as long as he can remember. The problem was that he would take it consistently and then run out before he could get a refill because his dad would have taken some and when he finally got the refill, it would take longer to work in his system. 

By December, he had given up on even trying to take it and it was left out on the table. JJ didn’t even know if Luke was aware that he was the only one taking it. 

One cold night in December, JJ, John B., Pope and Kie were out on the beach, trying and mostly failing to make a bonfire. They had begun occasionally stealing beers from their respective parents this year and upon JJ’s convincing would smoke weed on the occasional weekend as well. Well, Pope refused, but Kiara and John B. would do it if they were in an isolated spot by the beach where they thought they wouldn't be caught and if Kie brought snacks for their munchies. Pope claimed that their brains weren’t developed yet and that it was a gateway drug, but Kie made them promise that this was all they would ever do in terms of drugs and John B. argued that it was natural and the Earth must want them to smoke. JJ couldn’t have agreed more. 

None of them needed weed like JJ did. As soon as he had hit middle school, his cousin had finally agreed to let him try it. JJ had grown up watching his cousin smoke, but his cousin had remained adamant about not giving it to him until he was in middle school. The first time he had, he and his dad had been over at his uncle’s house and JJ hadn’t been able to put his shoes on in under ten minutes when it was time to leave. His dad had thought it was hilarious and had just slapped him across the head and said he was going to have to walk home if he didn’t hurry up. 

JJ had started smoking all the time. He did it after school and he hadn’t told his friends, but he had done it before school more than a few times, especially if his dad had gone crazy the night before. He didn’t speak up when Kie reassured Pope that it wasn’t addictive, because honestly, he felt addicted. He needed to smoke at least once a day and was a little worried. He knew it was common for kids from the cut to start smoking in sixth grade, but he didn’t know he would become so dependent on the feeling to get through his nights at home. 

John B. cheered as he finally got a spark, before crying out in anguish as the flame immediately was blown out by the breeze. JJ laughed at him and went over to help now that he had taken a few hits. Once they had the bonfire going, they sat down and Kie pulled out the snacks. 

They were laughing hysterically at John B.’s impersonation of Mrs. Williams, their principal, when she tried to stop a flood in the boys bathroom last week. Pope was crying actual tears and Kie had to run into the bushes claiming she was going to wet her pants from laughing. She came sprinting back through the darkness whispering frantically at them to get their shit and run. 

They saw the flashlights and tried to get up and run before they could be caught, but then two young cops emerged, blocking the path back to the main road. The Pogues all froze, half smiles from still laughing and half fear at being caught with weed. 

“Looks like we have a little party going on here, huh guys? What’s that we smell? How old are you kids?” A well nourished cop with a buzz cut sniffed the air dramatically as his partner walked around the bonfire with his flashlight. He stopped it at JJ’s area.

He whistled loudly and made a scene of picking up the bag of weed and the rolling papers and shining his flashlight on it. “Is this yours?” He asked JJ, holding it out in front of his nose as if he didn’t know what it was without it being shoved in his face. 

JJ immediately said, “Is what mine, officer?” Pretending he couldn’t see the bag right in front of him.

Kie hissed “JJ” from next to him, but he ignored her. He hated the police, he had had nothing but bad interactions with them and he wasn’t going to let them ruin his night without giving them a hard time back. 

The officer raised his eyebrows and jiggled his handcuffs before shining the flashlight directly into JJ’s face. “If you don’t want to confess, we will take all four of you to the station and call your mommies and daddies. Whose is it?”

JJ could see John B.,Pope and Kiara looking at each other nervously, debating over whether they should all take the blame or stay quiet. He knew that it would be a lot worse for everyone if they all had to go to the station and knew he should just confess that it was his. After all, he was the one that brought it here and encouraged them all to do it. But for some reason, the thought of being driven home alone by these cops while his friends went home terrified him. And the idea of how his dad would react to cops arriving at their house was probably worse than if he had to get him from the station. Luke hated cops more than JJ did, and had some illegal shit laying around the house that could get him in some trouble of his own. 

Before JJ could make up his mind, John B. spoke up, saying “It’s mine and JJ’s. JJ and I put in some money and bought it. JJ was just the one who it was closest to when you got here. Pope and Kiara didn’t have any part in it.” Kie opened her mouth to interject, but John B. stamped on her foot. 

He was looking at JJ when he spoke and must have sensed his thought process. JJ tried to interject, “It’s all mine, officer, I swear-”

“JJ, stop. You don’t have to lie for me. We bought it together and we smoked it together.” 

____________________________________________________________________________

Thirty minutes later, JJ and John B. were squished together on the bench at the Kildare County Sheriff’s office, waiting for their dads to pick them up. The officer at the front desk had told John B. that his dad was on his way and sighed angrily as she hung up and redialed JJ’s number for the eight time. JJ was praying that his dad was passed out and he would get to go home with Big John instead. 

“Thanks” JJ said as he knocked his knee against John B. John B. opened his eyes from where he had been resting his head against the wall and gave him a thumbs up. He had only just gone into sleepy mode after laughing stupidly the entire ride over and pointing at normal things while saying stupid shit. 

“What are best friends for? You’d do the same for me. Besides, no point in Pope and Kie going down, their parents actually ground them and we would have like a whole month without any Pogue meetings.”

“Stop talking over there.” The officer snapped at them from behind the desk. JJ rolled his eyes, but stopped talking. He didn’t need the officer giving his dad another reason to be mad at him.

“Mr. Maybank?” JJ’s eyes flicked to the officer as his dad finally picked up the phone. “Sir, this is Officer Petty, at Kildare County Sheriff’s office. We have your son, JJ. He was picked up with his friend for possession of marijuana. We aren’t charging them since they are so young and it’s their first time, but we need a parent to come pick him up. Can you or your wife come as soon as possible?”

JJ cringed internally; mentioning his mom was a sure way to make his dad even more mad than he no doubt was at being woken up. His dad must have confirmed that he would come and hung up because the officer looked at the phone and then hung up. 

“He’ll be here soon for you.” 

JJ tried not to let his nervousness show on his face, but he knew it did when John B. put a hand on his bouncing knee to stop it. “You’re making me nauseous, bro”, he said without opening his eyes. 

Big John came for John B. five minutes later, and although he looked annoyed at no doubt having to leave his office at home and come get his son, he put an arm around him as they walked out of the station. Apparently, John B. didn’t remember how to walk without bumping into things. 

JJ couldn’t help but feel extremely jealous of all his friends, but especially of John B. He was so lucky. A dad that barely ever bothered him and basically let him do whatever he wanted without getting mad. JJ’s dad didn’t care what he did, he told him that all the time, but got mad at him basically anytime they were in the same vicinity. He knew Big John never hit John B. either. He tried to stop the jealousy and push it down, but it was hard when he was sitting alone on the bench with nothing else to think about.

Ten o’clock turned into eleven o’clock and eleven o’clock turned into midnight by the time the door opened to the sheriff’s office. 

JJ looked up and saw his dad, glaring right back at him. He actually didn’t even look drunk or high, which was surprising. He had probably been working on some shifty deal with the smugglers he had recently gotten involved in. That always put him in an extra mean mood when he was done.

He quickly looked down at his hands and told himself not to look back up until he absolutely had to. He heard the officer explain the situation again to his dad and he heard his dad give minimal answers back before signing a paper and turning to JJ.

“Let’s go.” he said, pointing to the door. Yep, he was pissed.

JJ got up and walked in front of Luke, focusing on putting one step in front of the other. Usually, his high would have worn off, but his adrenalin was through the roof and his fight or flight had definitely kicked in, making all of his muscles tense and his heart rate high, making it hard for him to focus. He felt like he was walking through quicksand.

Once he got down the steps, he paused and waited for his dad. It was dark out and he couldn’t see where his dad had parked their car. Luke glared at him and went walking down the street, not caring that JJ was having trouble following him in the dark.

His dad had already gotten in the car and turned it on by the time JJ got there, backing up quickly and speeding forward before he was even fully in the car and had closed the door. He knew Luke hated cops and wanted to get as far away from them as possible but he wished he wouldn’t make him almost lose his arm in the process.

The car ride was silent and JJ subtly crept over towards his door as much as possible, preparing for his dad to lash out. He was so deep in his anxious thoughts that he didn’t notice he had been nervously shifting around until his dad’s gruff voice said, “Move again and I’ll pull over right here and beat you till you can’t move”.

JJ froze. That was a new threat. And he wasn’t going to see if his dad was going to follow through on it. 

His dad turned on some of his music that he liked to blast. He was always a fast driver, but tonight he seemed extra reckless, making turns without braking and accelerating before. It made JJ’s head hurt. 

He got real nervous again when he noticed they were going over the bridge that left Kildare. He wanted to ask his dad where they were going but knew he would either get slapped or get yelled at. Neither sounded fun.

After a few more minutes and more turns, Luke pulled over into a dip on the dark road. He turned to JJ and said, “Get out.”. 

JJ’s heart left his chest. Was his dad planning on actually killing him? Why else would they leave Kildare and why else would he want him to get out of the car? He must want to be able to kill him and drag his body to a ditch. That’s the only explanation. This had never happened before. 

“I said get out!! Get out of the fucking car, you worthless piece of shit!” His dad yelled, anger in full force. JJ scrambled for the car door and got out. Luke got out on his side and came around to JJ’s, grabbing him and slamming his body against the car. He slapped him hard twice and threw him onto the ground. 

JJ fell and stayed down, knowing his dad hated it when he tried to get back up again before he told him to. He heard his dad walking and saw his feet disappear around the car. He didn’t fully freak out until he heard the engine turn back on. 

He scrambled to his feet and tried to get back in the passenger seat, but the door was locked. Luke rolled down the window and said, “you want to act like such a big man, you can find your way home like one”, before peeling off quickly, doing an out of control u-turn and speeding off towards Kildare. 

JJ watched him go and stood frozen for a few minutes, sure that his dad was playing a mean trick on him and would come back. He didn't even have his backpack. When it didn't happen, he grabbed his hair and squatted down in the dirt. His heart was going a hundred miles an hour. 

He couldn't help but break down crying on the side of the road.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ goes to visit his grandma in Florida for Christmas. While there, he has an encounter with someone he's been dreaming about for a few years, but it may end up leaving him with nightmares.

JJ’s grandparents (well his grandma and her husband, Tony) from his mom’s side lived in Florida. They were born there, they raised his mom and his uncle there and they seemed to plan on dying there.

Although JJ hadn’t heard from his mom in two years, his grandma called him exactly twice each year; once on his birthday (though she was usually a few days off) and around Christmas time. They weren't too close, but JJ liked having someone who asked him questions and seemed genuinely interested in how he was and what was new with him. 

Back when JJ’s mom was around, she had taken him to Florida a few times to visit his grandma. She had always been so happy being home and JJ remembered how much he wanted to stay there with his mom forever. Unfortunately, only half of his wish came true since his mom decided to stay there and he was dumped back in the Outer Banks. 

This year, when his grandma called a week and a half before Christmas, she invited him to come to Florida for Christmas and spend the week with her and Tony. She talked to Luke on the phone, who agreed without even asking JJ and they picked a point halfway between both of them for JJ to get handed over.

JJ was really anxious the whole time leading up to it and was also bursting with questions he couldn’t ask his dad. He couldn’t stop thinking about the last time he had been there and wondering if his mom was going to be there. 

When he told John B., Pope and Kie that he was going to see his grandma, they were initially bummed that he said he probably wouldn't be home for their traditional Pogue New Year’s celebration, but were jealous that he was going to leave the OBX and go to another state. John B. assigned him the duty of surfing there and bringing back a full report on Florida's waves. 

JJ confessed to Kie when they were sitting on the beach after surfing that he was actually pretty scared to go and told her about how he hadn’t seen them since he was little and about his mom. 

Kie was a really good listener. She didn’t interrupt, she nodded at the right times and laughed when JJ attempted to make bad jokes about the situation. And she came up with the idea that JJ should get presents for his grandparents (and his mom in case she was there). 

Kie helped JJ find two really special shells on the beach and brought them back to him the next day with intricate designs painted on them and strung onto necklaces. She gave him a dried up starfish for Tony, that she had hand painted like the American flag. JJ was so impressed and grateful that he gave her a big hug and then to make things normal again, he challenged her to a burping contest later in the day and when he won he did a victory lap around John B.’s yard and slipped and twisted his ankle. Kie rolled her eyes and got him some frozen peas while John B. and Pope laughed hysterically from the hammock. 

JJ didn’t even know what day he was supposed to be dumped in South Carolina, the mutual meeting ground, until his dad said “Let’s go” one Saturday morning and JJ had to scramble to throw some clothes, his toothbrush, his vape and his presents into his backpack.

A larger part of him than he would like to admit was terrified that his dad was never going to come get him from Florida. His dad was scary and mean, but he was familiar and sometimes he told JJ he loved him and they did fun stuff together. Florida was uncharted territory. Also, JJ figured he would actually die without his friends. 

He debated between trying to pack more of his stuff in case he never came back again and leaving it so his dad would hopefully remember he had a son and come pick him up when the week was over. He decided to pack normally and left his coat in the living room so his dad would remember him. Even though JJ had already formed his breakout plan in his mind if his dad didn't come for him, which involved him living in John B.'s chicken coup and being a fugitive. 

His dad was actually in a good mood on the ride down there, blasting music and he even told JJ a story about when he went to Florida with his mom to visit his grandparents and they almost sunk their boat. JJ didn’t remember his dad ever telling him a story about his mom before and figured that he was either really happy to get rid of JJ for the week or he was giving him a good story because he was planning on never picking him up again and was feeling generous. 

When they pulled into the rest stop at the bottom of South Carolina, his dad just parked in a spot near the building and pointed to a beat up station wagon with a lot of crazy bumper stickers on it across the parking lot.

“That’s her.” He said, but he didn’t walk over to the car. JJ saw his grandma open the door and stand up and wave at them. Luke did a half-hearted wave back but still made no move to walk JJ over. “Go on, what are you making her wait for?” His dad said to him, but his tone was still nicer than usual. JJ got his backpack and got out, walking over to his dad’s window to say bye. 

He couldn’t help but ask the question that had been on his mind for the past week before walking over to his grandma. He had to know. “Are you going to come and get me after?” he asked, trying to look relaxed as he asked.

His dad laughed and reached out to ruffle his hair. “No one is keeping my boy away from me for too long! Now go. She’s waiting for you.” JJ felt pure happiness shoot through his body at his dad’s words and he couldn’t help the huge smile that he felt break across his face. 

“See you soon, Dad” he said as he turned and started walking over to the station wagon. When he turned and looked back, his dad was already heading into the rest stop, no longer watching JJ to make sure he got to his grandma.

“Hi baby! I missed you!” his grandma said, rushing over to him and giving him a hug. JJ tensed for a second and then relaxed, hugging her back. She smelled like cigarettes and flowery perfume.

“Hi Grandma, I missed you too” JJ said as she let go of him and looked him up and down.

“JJ, call me Mimi. Your cousins have renamed me that and it makes me feel a lot younger than when you can me Grandma.” 

JJ tried not to look openly confused. He didn’t even know he had cousins on his mom’s side. He guessed his uncle must have had children since he last came four years ago. “Ok Mimi” he said and "Mimi" laughed. 

“You’ve gotten so tall. You look so much like your mama. Her pretty blonde hair” Mimi said, reaching up and running a hand through it. JJ felt something deep in his stomach clench at the mention of his mom and he resisted asking about her. He figured he would hear about her soon enough. "Handsome." Mimi corrected, realizing that 12 year old boys don't love being called pretty. "Your hair is handsome." 

JJ smiled at Mimi and she opened the door so he could put his backpack in the backseat. They got in the car and they drove past his dad who was smoking and leaning against his car, on the phone. He didn’t look up when they drove past. 

“So how is your dad? Has he been being good to you?” Mimi asked as she pulled out onto the highway, following the signs for Atlanta. 

“Yeah, it’s all good Mimi. He’s good.” JJ lied, feeling her eyes on him as she looked him over again. 

“I know your dad has that bad temper. He’s always acted like a child. He used to beat on your mama you know. It’s why she had to get away. He do that to you too?” Mimi asked and JJ couldn’t help but tense up.

“No Mimi, he doesn’t do that anymore” he said, fingers playing with a fraying string on his shorts as he lied. 

Mimi just hummed like she didn’t believe JJ and started talking about Tony and JJ’s uncle and his kids. Mimi talked a lot actually and didn’t really need JJ to respond too much. He looked out the window for the remainder of the 5 hour trip and even shared some funny stories about the Pogues and before he knew it they were pulling up to an eccentric trailer home (built into the ground) in Jacksonville Beach. JJ remembered when Mimi had told him she painted their house pink, but hadn’t seen it himself. He wondered what Tony thought about it.

The front yard was filled with blow up Christmas objects and the house was covered in Christmas lights. JJ couldn’t help but be impressed. His dad never decorated their house for Christmas. 

“Come on in, baby.” Mimi said as she fixed a blow up grinch that had tipped over and headed for the door. JJ followed behind her, grabbing his backpack straps. 

Mimi showed JJ the room he was going to stay in and explained that it was his mom’s room. He was dying to ask her about his mom but figured he would wait at least a few more hours. It still looked like a teenage girls room which disappointed him. He had secretly been hoping his mom would be staying here. 

Tony was in the living room with a three year old girl, who JJ assumed was his cousin, but Mimi explained that Jasmine was Tony’s daughter's kid and was getting picked up soon. Tony made some awkward jokes at JJ before turning back to the game he was watching. 

JJ played Barbies with Jasmine because she pulled him over immediately, and he was secretly having more fun than he probably should have and happy that John B. would never find out about this. Jasmine was funny for a three year old and even hugged JJ goodbye when she had to go home. 

Mimi and JJ had dinner together in the kitchen and Tony stayed parked in front of the tv. Mimi rolled her eyes but said it was more time for them to catch up. She told him that tomorrow they could go to the beach if he wanted. He agreed, excited to see how different it was from the Banks. He got really excited when she showed him the old surf board they had in their backyard.

She asked if he wanted to call his dad and let him know he was there safely. He agreed just so she wouldn’t think he was weird for saying no and left a short voicemail when he didn’t pick up. 

He went to bed after they all watched a movie together and JJ was having a lot more fun than he thought he would. Mimi was really fun and she had promised that she would have him visit more often. It felt good having family members that he could relax around, he had to admit. 

Until, JJ was woken up by yelling. He tensed and looked around, forgetting where he was and then getting more nervous when he realized. It was a woman yelling and he heard things hitting the wall.

He debated going out and seeing what was happening, but decided that he was better off staying out of it. He didn’t hear Tony so figured his grandma was just upset about something. He absolutely froze solid when he realized it was two women and that the voice that was yelling was his mom’s.

JJ couldn’t help himself, when he heard her voice he got out of bed and crept down the hallway to listen in. He needed to see her and see how she looked. He was scared to admit to himself that he forgot sometimes. He wanted to talk to her and give her a hug. But he was also so scared of being rejected that he lingered in the doorway and peeked in.

The first thing he saw was Mom. She looked a lot like JJ remembered, but her hair was longer and he could immediately tell she was high on something. She was wearing a pink tank top and denim shorts and he could smell alcohol from where he stood. 

JJ’s mom was yelling at Mimi and he saw that some of the trinkets Mimi kept on her windowsill had been thrown onto the floor and were smashed. Mimi was sitting at the table watching his mom with her arms crossed and told her to sit down right now. She didn’t listen.

“He’s my fucking son, not yours! You can’t drag him here and pretend he’s yours and try to pretend I don’t exist. Fuck you!” His mom screamed. JJ took a step back when he realized they were screaming about him.

“I didn’t mean for you to find out. He’s my grandson for god’s sake! I see Nick’s kids all the time. You’ve decided to not see him and that’s your decision. But I refuse to give up my relationship with my grandson because you’re too busy getting high and fucking around with your different boyfriends to actually grow up and raise your baby!” Mimi said back. JJ could tell she was close to crying. 

His mom froze at that and pushed a chair over before storming out of the kitchen. JJ tried to back up, terrified of coming face to face with his mom like this but she walked right into him. 

Mimi had been getting up to go after her and when she realized that Mom had bumped into JJ, she immediately stepped forward to go to JJ’s side. 

“JJ, sweetie, go back to bed. Maybe you can see your mom in a few days when she’s feeling better-” She tried to step in between them but JJ’s mom went around and over to JJ. 

“JJ, I missed you so much baby-” JJ’s mom actually reached out for him but Mimi pulled her back. 

“Goddamn it Nicole, not when you’re high. Give it a day and come back. He doesn't deserve that”. Mimi said but JJ’s mom grabbed him and pulled him into a hug. JJ stood, frozen, trying to reach his arms up and hug his mom back, he had dreamed of this after all, but he was too confused and by the time he got his arms to move, his mom had pulled away and was looking him up and down. 

Getting a clear view of his mom’s face shocked him. Her pupils were huge and dilated and her blonde hair was dirty. Her makeup was smeared under her eyes and she was clearly drunk and high on something like his Mimi said. His mom had always been so pretty, but now she looked more scary than pretty. He immediately felt bad for thinking that.

“You’re so handsome. My little baby is so big now.” Mom said as she reached up to touch JJ’s face. JJ couldn’t help flinching back out of reflex and his mom noticed and stopped reaching and narrowed her eyes. 

“What? I can’t touch my own baby? Am I not good enough for you? You’re like your daddy now or something?” Mom asked, getting angry. JJ tried to answer but his tongue felt like it was made of lead. 

“Nicole, leave him alone. He was asleep and hasn’t seen you in a long time. Come back in a few days and you two can visit with each other.” Mimi said, pulling on his mom’s skinny arm. 

Mom opened her mouth to argue back, still looking at JJ, but closed it when she heard a car horn blare outside. JJ jumped a little, so focused on Mom that it scared him. 

“That’s Danny. I’ve got to go. I’ll come back in a few days and we can go to McDonald’s or some shit like that, ok baby?” Mom said before turning and walking fast down the hallway, stopping to grab her sparkly turquoise purse from the couch before going out the front door. 

Mimi moved to JJ right away and put her arm around him, leading him back to his room. She was talking to him but he was having a hard time listening. He sat down on the bed and swallowed, trying to process what had just happened. He’d seen his mom! Finally. But she looked worse than ever and the huge part of him that had always hoped she would come get him and be off of drugs sunk in his stomach. He felt sick.

He managed to reassure Mimi that he was ok and was tired and she left him alone after putting a blanket over him. He worked up a fake smile that dropped as soon as she closed the door. 

JJ cried himself to sleep that night, his mom’s face appearing when he closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I would love to hear what you think :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ finishes out the week in Florida and has one last meeting with his mom before heading home and spending New Year's with his best friends (John B. is feeling especially cool because he just turned thirteen).

JJ spent the next few days at Mimi’s feeling almost like a zombie. He put a fake smile on during the day, and at night when he was alone in his mom’s childhood room, he finally let his emotions take over. Sometimes he cried, other times he just stayed awake for hours, staring at the ceiling with the peeling glow in the dark stars and thinking about his mom or thinking about what she had said or not thinking at all. 

His skin felt tight all the time, like it was too small for his body and he needed to get out of it. He vaped a few times late at night, sneaking outside, but he didn’t want Mimi or Tony to find out and get mad so he didn’t really feel any benefits from it. Mimi smoked a lot of cigarettes, but he didn’t think she would be happy to discover him doing anything like that. He was counting down the days until he got to go home and he just really really missed his friends and Kildare and being in his own house where he was at least used to most of the crazy shit that goes down. 

Mimi did try to talk about his mom and what happened the next day, when they were in her car heading towards the beach. JJ could tell she didn’t really want to talk about it or know what to say, so he had nodded and agreed to what she was saying and managed to give her a fake smile when she asked if he was okay. She didn’t bring her up again for a few days.

It felt strange that he didn't want to hear about his mom after spending so many years dying for more. More information, more stories, more contact, more attention. Now he just felt sick when he thought about her. 

JJ did find out that he was going to be back in the Outer Banks in time for the Pogue’s New Year’s party. He called John B. to tell him. His whoop through the phone cheered him up.

They celebrated Christmas with his Uncle Nick and his fiancee and their two daughters. He was nice, but reminded JJ of his mom and he didn’t try to talk to JJ too much. JJ found it easier to play with the kids and ended up playing Barbies again with all the little girls. No one mentioned his mom. Luke didn’t call him, but he didn’t expect him to. They barely celebrated Christmas and also barely ever spoke by choice so he didn’t expect him to call him a few days after being gone. It still hurt. 

On JJ’s last full day before Mimi is set to drive him to meet his dad again, she asks him if he wants to see his mom before he goes home. He had just walked into the kitchen and his hair was standing up in a hundred directions and all he could do was blink back at her stupidly for thirty seconds before she told him he didn’t have to.

He agrees though, because he doesn’t know if it will be the last time he sees her. He knows John B. hasn’t even seen his mom since before he started Kindergarten. He would be telling him to see his while he had the chance. He also couldn't stop thinking about how she had said she missed him and had hugged him. Maybe she wouldn’t be high and they could talk.

Mimi drives him to a cheap diner and JJ has the necklace Kie helped him make for his mom in his pocket, just in case. Mimi was wearing hers, but he wasn’t sure if he was even going to give it to his mom. She might laugh at him or think it’s shitty. 

Mimi points out his mom in a booth that they can see through the window and gets out to go in too. She told JJ that she was going in to make sure his mom was “good” before waiting in the car for him. 

Overall, it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good. He thought his mom was high, although nowhere near as high as she was the other night. Mimi sat in her car right outside the window and JJ could see her. 

JJ kept the necklace in his pocket and tried to get up the courage to give it to his mom. He thought about how unlike himself he was feeling and acting, but he couldn't help it. He almost felt like he had been transplanted into someone else's life. Mom was jolty and her eyes kept flying around the room and out the window, looking for her boyfriend’s car. She kept telling him that he was coming to pick her up soon. She asked him a few questions about school and his friends but kept checking her phone and itching her arm. JJ noticed that she was always bouncing her knee and tapping her fingers and moving around and figured he must have gotten that from her. He wanted to ask her for her phone number but remembered what his dad had said to him. If she wanted him to have it, he would have it. 

He did ask her if she was going to stay in Florida (he left out the word “forever”) and she told him it depended on her boyfriend and what jobs he got, but that she probably would. She didn’t even look sorry or seem to notice that she was slowly breaking his heart.

The time with his mom was not even ten minutes long before she was getting up to leave. She had told JJ she had to go with her boyfriend to pick up his kids for the weekend. That had cut through his heart like a knife. His mom had seen her boyfriend’s car pull up and had jumped up out of the booth. She had reached out to get him to stand up and give her a hug and this time he had hugged her back, feeling like this would be that last time for a long time. She had pulled away quickly, ruffled his hair briefly and told him she would call him before jumping out of the diner. JJ knew she wouldn’t. 

He had walked outside and gotten in Mimi’s car. She had asked him how it went and he had lied and said it was good. She had squeezed his hand as she backed out of the parking spot and drove home. That had helped a little. 

The next day, JJ packed up and was ready to go right at seven on the dot. He decided to leave the shell necklace for his mom on her childhood bed, too tired to carry it around anymore. This way, if his mom saw it, she would know he was thinking of her, even if she probably wasn’t thinking of him. 

Even though the week at Mimi and Tony’s had been exhausting, he was energized a lot at the thought of getting back to his normal life, going crazy with his friends later that night and pushing this whole experience to the back of his memories for as long as possible. 

He and Mimi had some fun in the car, she made him laugh with some stories about when she was a teenager and some of the shit she got up to. They stopped and got some lunch right before meeting his dad.

His dad was forty-five minutes late to the rest stop. JJ started to shake his leg up and down, convinced that his dad wasn’t going to come at all but Mimi just told him a funny story while they waited and rubbed his knee until he stopped bouncing it. His dad did pull in and park far enough away from Mimi’s car that it was clear he didn’t want to talk. 

She almost cried when she said goodbye to him and she promised to call him next month. He knew she meant it and hugged her back. If anything good had come out of being shipped off to Florida, it was that he and Mimi had formed a real relationship that they hadn’t had before.

When he got into the car with his dad, his dad barely said hi to him before pulling out and speeding off down the highway. JJ watched Mimi’s car disappear in his side view mirror. 

His dad barely spoke to him on the four hour drive home, taking calls from what JJ knew were his smuggler friends he worked with. He seemed agitated and JJ knew better than to talk to him when he was like that. 

As soon as they got home and JJ was in his room, he changed out the clothes in his backpack for some winter ones, grabbed the weed he had stashed in his closet before leaving for Florida and headed back out of the door, grabbing his jacket and hat from the living room as he left. He could hear his dad in the other room on the phone again. 

JJ got on his bike and rode as fast as he could to the Chateau. He felt like he could finally breathe again, being back home, riding his old bike on the familiar path to John B.’s. He was looking forward to feeling like himself again and doing some Pogue Life stuff with his friends. Forgetting about his mom for the night. 

JJ sped down the driveway and smiled hugely when he saw Kie and Pope’s bikes dumped by the porch. He added his to the pile quietly and snuck around to scare the shit out of his friends. 

He saw his friends through the living room window and knocked on the door before hiding behind the sofa on the porch. John B. answered and looked around, screaming like a girl when JJ popped out from behind the sofa and grabbed him. That set off Kie who screamed and then JJ heard Pope scream from inside where he had made some hot chocolate and was carrying it to the living room. 

They all were too happy to have back JJ to get mad at him (usually they would be pissed for an hour at being scared, especially if a first degree burn was involved) and they all bear hugged him. John B. kissed his cheek when he revealed the weed. 

John B. had turned thirteen while JJ was gone (his birthday was the day after Christmas) and JJ pulled out a pair of board shorts he had bought with some of his money he saved up. John B. tackled him again in excitement and they ended up wrestling. JJ’s foot hit Pope’s mug of hot chocolate when he was struggling on the ground as John B. was sitting on him and that made Pope jump in. 

Kie yelled at them all and told them that if they didn’t stop, she was going to take all the snacks and food she had brought from the Wreck onto the porch and eat it all herself. That stopped them immediately. 

John B. felt super cool and took three hits of weed when they smoked it. Because he was thirteen now. 

New Year’s was always one of JJ’s favorite nights of the year. No parents (Big John went to his friends every year and hadn’t made John B. go since he was ten), no school for a few weeks, and lots of food. They stayed up most of the night and basically did whatever they wanted. Pope had even brought some driveway fireworks that they lit (Kie supervised them and made them all stand fifteen feet back). It was awesome. It was also the only time Kiara’s parents let her sleep over at the chateau, mostly because they were too busy worrying about their Kook party than to worry about her sleeping with three pre-teen boys for the night. 

They knew as soon as they hit high school, their tradition would change and start to include parties on the beach like they knew the older kids did. But for now, their New Year’s was perfect. And it felt especially perfect to JJ this year. 

The next day, they all slept in until one in the afternoon before JJ and Pope peeled themselves off the pullout to go to Heyward’s and help him stock the shelves. Pope went because he had to and JJ went because he never turned down "easy" money. 

JJ lasted a whole three hours before Heyward kicked him and Pope out, claiming that he needed silence after JJ had nonstop chattered and asked questions about every product they put on the shelves. He only kicked Pope out too because he knew from experience that JJ would just wait outside until he was done.

JJ and Pope raced each other to the chateau on their bikes. Pope faked something getting stuck in his gear and then cracked up and sped off when JJ stopped to help. 

They all put their jackets on and the beanies that Kie had knitted them and went out on the HMS Pogue. It was actually in the mid 50’s that day, but it felt like Antarctica when they were going fast. JJ laughed at John B.’s face that was bright red from the wind whipping his face. He almost pushed JJ overboard until Kie kicked John B.’s shin and told him JJ would die from hypothermia. JJ pretended to fall in, waving his arms dramatically and then almost really did fall and Pope saved him by grabbing his arm at the last second. JJ planted an overly dramatic kiss on his cheek.

When they got back, Big John helped them start a bonfire outside before disappearing back inside, shaking his head at how they could want to be outside in the cold. Looking around the fire at his friends, JJ couldn’t help but think.

He never wanted to leave the Outer Banks again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of this story! I'm working on the next one now, where the Pogues are starting high school. I realized that I was feeling uncomfortable with how young they were and some of the....activities they were up to and I just need to add a few years to their age and get them to a safer age range for their antics. I would take it down and edit it and change their ages that way, but it was mess up large parts of the story so I'll leave it here. But seventh grade is done and we are moving on! Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


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